Update

Talked to the scheduler.  She is waiting for the Chief to give her a date.  She thinks April 1 or 2. I said that I know every patient is in the same situation and anxious to get it done and she was very nice and said that everyone is in a similar situation but that when it comes to her desk directly there is a bit of urgency and that she will work to expedite it.

While I really appreciate it, it does make me even more nervous.  They know something is wrong, at least that is how it sounds.  I am telling myself that I am young and healthy.  I am telling myself that 3-95% is pretty big range.  But I also saw that Doctor's face. I have seen that face before, with my patients.  I know something is wrong.  I am trying very hard not to admit that to myself but today I can't deny it. 

I'm not feeling as bad as I was the first time around, not nauseus right now, etc. but I am freaking out.  Last night I talked to Hubs about our plans if it IS something.  I really do not want my mother to come take care of me.  I love my mom, we have always been very close, but I don't want her taking over my home.  I also don't want my mother in law to come, because, much as I love her, she is batshit insane.  (she couldn't come anyway, because her husband is dying of liver cancer rigt now, anyway, but taht is beside the point) So I am trying to figure out who can come and help me with Harriet.

I know we can't afford a nanny, and I can't put her in daycare if I am having treatments due to all the germs kids bring to daycare, so I am just trying to figure it out. I'm considering asking a friend to come and I am also hoping that some of my family can come help at least some of the time.  Maybe they can all take a few days or something.  This is how I work, if I can get a plan figured out I can deal with it.  I know Hubs can work form home some, and we will just have to see how it goes, but it makes me anxious.  and anxiety is becoming my middle name.

So, wish me luck, and think/hope/pray the tests come back negative, which would make this all SO much better.

Thanks for listening to my rant!

scared

I had another ultrasound today.  It was supposed to be basically nothing, but turned into another step in what is turning out to be a healthcare nightmare.

I have to have an ultrasound guided biopsy and possible core needle biopsy. The nurse in me has to know the numbers, so I looked it up.  this is where I hate medicine.  It's a 3-95% chance of malignancy.  That's quite a spread, don't you think?  But in looking at films and reading criteria, I'm scared.  I know I shouldn't read these things but I have to.  It's in my blood.  Not reading them isn't an option, and occasionally they do help me.

I'm petrified.  Again.  I really don't want to do this.  I want to be fine, healthy, and move on with my life.  I'm healthy.  Fat, but healthy.  My cholesterol blood pressure and glucose are low to normal, the only thing wrong with me is that I am fat.  So I've been losing weight the right way, but I certainly don't want to go on the cancer diet.

So bear with me if I'm not my cheerful optimistic self.  Oh, wait.  that isn't me, is it? but still, bear with me.  I'm trying very hard not to get depressed or overly anxious.

I will let you know what is next for me.  I hope the biopsy is the end of my issues, but there is something there, I saw it, both on the mammogram and on the ultrasound, and I'm scared.

Perception

Perception is a funny thing.  Two people can be viewing the same thing and have entirely different takes on it.

Over the weekend Hubs mentioned that we hadn't "made it" yet.  I gave him a funny look, and he then asked if I thought we had.  Of course I do.  We live a wonderful life.  We travel, we value experiences, we have had some experiences that few people can ever say.  We've swam with sharks, dolphins, seen the pyramids, traveled the world, eaten in the best restaurants, seen the best plays, but most importantly, we manage to afford for me to stay at home to raise our daughter.  I know that is a luxury that isn't an option for many.  I realy enjoy it, and while some days I am taxed and worn out, I always have more good moments than bad, and I am always glad I am with her.  We do cut some corners elsewhere to make it work, and as I said our motto would probably be experiences, not things.

I hope he comments to say what he thinks will qualify us as having made it.  


We've also recently discussed the possibility of me going back to work, while also discussing the educational options for Harriet, as they would have an impact on my returning to work.  I love that in that conversation, money was not the driving factor.  Sure, extra cash would be great, but it was about our goals for Harriet and our personal happiness.  It was about affording the best educational opportunity for her given her learning style and the poor public education system in our country, as well as the ridiculous expense of private education in NYC.

To me, that is making it.  Not making every decision based strictly on financial concerns, but being able to enjoy life, do the things we want, and enjoy Harriet while providing the best life for her that we can.

What qualifies as making it to you? When will you have made it, or have you?

failing

I try.  I try too hard.  I don't say anything.  I say too much.  I plan, I think, I observe, and still being new in a city full of people who have lived here their whole lives, or have worked together for years means I am unable to fit in.

I've never fit in.  I'm chubby.  I'm intelligent and speak my mind.  I know when I am right and when I don't have a clue about the topic.  I also know when my point of view is simply an opinion.  I pay money to join mother's groups to meet other others, and every single playgroup that we fit the criteria for is at 3 or 3:30, my kiddo's naptime.

I actually LOVE new york city, it has so much to offer and it's clean and safe and all the things I want, but I can't meet a friend to save my life.  My soul is breaking.

Is it so much to ask that at a dinner of 3 coworkers and their significant others the women actually speak to me? guess so.  Here we go again...

I don't even know where to look anymore.

sigh.

The Doula vs. Husband question, my take

I know that doulas are very popular right now.  I don't dispute their need in many cases, but I really, really don't understand why everyone needs one.

When I had my daughter I really loved the experience of the two of us becoming the three of us.  It's not popular amongst the AP set, apparently, but I think it actually dovetails very nicely with the philosophies.  If I can't count on my husband to be there to support me during a stressful time, how can we parent together?

The idea that Doulas know more about birth than a mom who has never been at a birth, while touting that a woman's body knows best is confusing at best.

I think doulas are great! but I think they aren't needed when the couple is stable, when the husband isn't at risk of traveling around the anticipated time of birth, or when he isn't squeamish.  Obviously single mothers, mothers of men in the military, and wives of squeamish husbands can benefit, but the experience for me went something like this.

I was 42 weeks pregnant.  One hundred percent certain of conception date. My husband, who went to all my OB visits and birth classes (stupidest thing, but I will talk about that another time) came with me when I was to be induced. He spent the night on a very uncomfortable chair next to me while I slept in a delivery room bed. I had a cervical ripener, which did basically nothing.  When my OB came in in the morning to check me, I'd had no contractions on the monitor or that I felt, no cervical change, but I was dilated to about nothing.  yeah...basically 0.25 or something ridiculous, though my cervix was soft.  We discussed what to do and since I wanted a vaginal birth if possible, he suggested attempting to break my water and of course start the pitocin. Since there was a high risk of going to Cesarean due to my past medical history (My OB is very pro-vaginal birth) we agreed that I would get an epidural before the pitocin started, if he was able to break my water. (If not, there were many more options on the table, including another cervical ripener, straight to CS, or starting the pitocing up anyway. Remember that at this point I am 42 weeks pregnant, the risk of stillbirth goes up significantly at this point, so there wasn't really an option to wait another day or two.

Through all of this, my husband helped me remember teh questions we had discussed, and asked more himself. When the OB did manage to break my water my husband held my hand through the quite painful process. I can't even imagine anyone else being the one to support me then.

Things progressed and we got the epidural. after which I decided that OMG I had to poop. yep.  I had just gotten an epidural and I had to poop. The Anesthetist said that it was fine if I could get up on my own (I did) and if someone stayed in the bathroom with me.  well, who else do you want with you while you're trying to take a poop? certainly not a strange midwife and for me, no one but my husband. After that we got me back to bed and I labored nicely, with a top up on the epidural.  At some point later in the process, as baby's head started to come down, a massive amount of meconium showed up.  I mention it to the midwife and my husband gets her attention as well, we remind her that it means she needs to call a pediatrician. Then...the epidural wore off as I was in transition. and while my husband pressed the midwife to  call the anesthetist, I hummed, and held his hand.  He tried to talk to me but understood when I looked at him, didn't have to say anything, he was quiet. The anesthetist came up, got me squared away (added some narcotic this time around) and things were great again. only now, I was 9.5.

As we got thigns ready to push, I asked to squat.  The midwife was not particularly fond of this idea, but my husband assured her that the two of them could help steady me (I could feel my legs, they were just a bit tingly, and I needed help to get into the right position) and basically we just...did. She had no choice at that point! We re-reminded her to call the pediatrician, and as my baby made her way into the world, my husband excitedly watched.  He saw her hair and told me how great I was doing.  I wouldn't have believed another soul.  When pushing lasted almost an hour, he kept encouraging me, and I was actually surprised an hour had passed.  We were a bit concerned that she wouldn't make it past the pelvic ridge, since I had a broken pelvis as a teenager, but she did, and once she did thigns went very quickly.  Since she had meconium, she needed to be suctioned before she was fully birthed but the OB did so very quickly and I still got to hold her for a second when she came out before the pediatrician took her to make sure no meconium had been aspirated.  We watched (as I ordered my husband to give them room to work) as my baby frighteningly did not cry. I started to get scared when the pediatician handed her to me and said she was fine, and that some babies just don't cry.  (I have actually been at several births, and never had a baby not cry, so this was incredibly frightening for me) I can't imagine a stranger, a friend, or even my own mother being in the room at that moment. I had my husband, her daddy, with me. No one else could have done the job better.

After I'd held her for a while, tried to nurse, which she didn't yet want, the OB stitched me up (I tore, despite the efforts of my midwife and OB to stretch my perineum) and my husband got his chance to play daddy for the first time. He held her, sang to her and, as any good daddy does, he cried.  He looked at her little fingers and toes, he stared into her big, wide open, almost purple, eyes.

And when I was done, we left the delivery room, got her weighed and bathed (remember, she was covered in poop) and went on to my room to spend the rest of our lives as intended, as a family.

 

So my point isn't that doulas aren't necesarry.  I just think that they aren't necessary for everyone. If your relationship with your husband is like mine, and he's assertive, intelligent, educated, and involved, you can do it, without a doula.